Flowing Through Mountains

I have so many emotions right now…and I don’t know what to do with them all.

First, I’m mad at myself for failing this course.  Sure, no “official” word is in…but I’m pretty sure that’s what’s going to happen.  I have been so unmotivated lately that IF I could have pulled off a miracle and ace this test Sunday…I probably won’t now.  I’m also really depressed about failing.  I failed.  My worst nightmare come true.  I’ve said in the past that I don’t attempt things because I don’t want to fail.  I avoid failing at any cost…well, not now.  I’ve gone ahead and done what I’ve always been afraid of doing.  Yay…

Then there’s the frustration I feel towards the nursing program itself.  I’m not as upset at the school as other people are, but I usually blame myself before I’ll blame others.  So that’s not a big surprise to me.  I don’t feel like we’ve gotten the best education.  Especially for how much we pay for our education.  It’s ridiculous.  Ok, I get that the school was in trouble with the program when we first started.  Ok, we got the short end of the stick as they continually “improved” their program.  Ok, I understand that if we don’t pass these standardized tests we are less likely to pass the NCLEX on the first try.  OK.  But…where’s the understanding, no – where’s the forward thinking and communication for us as students to get the proper education that we need to pass these tests?  It is unjust of the school to fail this many A/B students based off ONE exam score.  If we didn’t deserve to graduate, if we weren’t ready, we should have been held back way before now.

Not three weeks before graduation!!

I’m also suddenly immersed with thoughts of quitting nursing school.  This is not the first time, but this is the most intense.  I’m sure these feelings are related to how difficult and time intensive the program is…and of course…I’m not going to quit.  But, it’s hard to ignore these feelings.  Instead of motivating myself to buckle down and study, I’m filled with thoughts of “I want my life back”.  Those thoughts are hard push aside.  I don’t feel like myself.  I’m not happy.  I need a break.  But I’m not sure I’ll get one (or a long enough one) within the next few months.  I know my “life will be better” after I graduate, pass the NCLEX, and get a job…but all I can focus on is the here and now.  I’m sad, I’m lonely, I’m tired, I’m fragile.

I was told today that the really fragile people don’t usually feel fragile, the just collapse under the pressure.  The fact that I “feel” fragile and question myself – makes me strong.  I like that.  It doesn’t make me feel any less fragile, but it gives me hope that I won’t turn into dust and disappear.

I may crack, I may fall to pieces,
but eventually…
My fractured self will heal and I’ll be whole again.

Meanwhile, I’ll continue to express myself and hope that one day this chapter will be over.