Year 2/Day 228

Year 2 - Day 228
(Turkey Green Bean Stir Fry)

Whew.  Today was a long day in the kitchen.  I decided last week that I would try and prep some of our dinners on Sunday as well so I had less to do during the week.  Boy…I din’t realize how much extra work that would be!!

Good thing is, everything turned out looking delicious!

(Oatmeal Raisin Protein Bites)

(Chicken Enchilada Soup)

(Taco Goodness)

(Roasted Chickpeas)

Year 2/Day 227

Year 2 - Day 227

Ok.  I’m gonna just go ahead and say it.  I am struggling bad with this whole nursing school thing.  I have given everything I’ve got this week as far as being disciplined and spending the necessary time on studying.  I really have.  I worked on Tuesday, which put me back a whole day…and I’ve been struggling to catch up since.  There is just SOOOOO much on this study schedule I created.  And after my meeting with one of my professors…there was even MORE!

My biggest struggle, I suppose, is that I never really gave my studying the time it needed throughout the past few years and now…it all comes down to one test.  One big, bad, nasty test.  Nursing school is no joke.  I’m learning that the hard way this last year of school.  It’s just all so overwhelming and the harder I try to catch up, the more behind I feel.

Plus, I want to organinze my craft room, work on quilting, make some pretty candles, catch up on my blog, go on adventures and photograph nature, play video games, hang out with my boyfriend, go to more painting classes, use my awesome prismacolor colored pencils, exercise more, cook more, listen to music, watch tv, go to movies, hang out with friends, read books that aren’t nursing related, fold paper cranes…

I’m trying to not feel trapped by school.  Because if that happens, I usually make things worse.  And that’s the last thing I want right now.

I do want to finish school.
I do want to graduate and pass the NCLEX.
I do think I’ll find a job I’ll enjoy and be a great nurse.

One day at a time…I know.  I just needed to clear my head and that’s one reason I created this blog.

Guess I’ll get back to studying.

(Note: I did have an awesome study break today.  Will and I met up with some friends at KoKai, my favorite Thai restaurant.  Afterwards, we splurged and got some ice cream from Frosty Caboose.  All of it was delicious and the company was great!!)

Year 2/Day 205

Year 2 - Day 205

Today was my first attempt at the “Big Nasty” exam.  Last semester I got a 699 and my goal was to at least get an 800 this time.  (I need at least a 900 to graduate in May)

I got a 787.  Sure, it’s an improvement…but…I’ve got a long way to go and to be honest I’m really worried.  What happens if I don’t get the 900 this semester?  Is it over?  Do I get another chance?  Do I want another chance?

Spring break is next week so I don’t really plan on addressing any of this until school’s back on.  I need a break.

Year 2/Day 183

Year 2 - Day 183

A well deserved book and beer dinner break.  Tomorrow we pack up and bring all this crap back home and fill up our house with it…

Year 2/Day 173

Year 2 - Day 173

School…school…and more school.  When will I be done!?!

Does anyone want to go to school for me today?

Year 2/Day 164

Year 2 - Day 164

I wish Starbucks delivered…
guess this will have to do.

Year 2/Day 157

Year 2 - Day 157

I took the red eye back home last night.

Unfortunately, I made plans with a friend to meet for lunch…but took a “nap” before I needed to leave.  Instead of sleeping for 1 hour…I slept for 4!  I felt so bad that I stood her up!  Luckily, I was able to see her later at her house.

I also made sure to stop by ‘Cue and see everyone.  I missed those guys!

Year 2/Day 133

Year 2 - Day 133

Hotels…home away from home

Year 2/Day 119

Year 2 - Day 119

I have so many emotions right now…and I don’t know what to do with them all.

First, I’m mad at myself for failing this course.  Sure, no “official” word is in…but I’m pretty sure that’s what’s going to happen.  I have been so unmotivated lately that IF I could have pulled off a miracle and ace this test Sunday…I probably won’t now.  I’m also really depressed about failing.  I failed.  My worst nightmare come true.  I’ve said in the past that I don’t attempt things because I don’t want to fail.  I avoid failing at any cost…well, not now.  I’ve gone ahead and done what I’ve always been afraid of doing.  Yay…

Then there’s the frustration I feel towards the nursing program itself.  I’m not as upset at the school as other people are, but I usually blame myself before I’ll blame others.  So that’s not a big surprise to me.  I don’t feel like we’ve gotten the best education.  Especially for how much we pay for our education.  It’s ridiculous.  Ok, I get that the school was in trouble with the program when we first started.  Ok, we got the short end of the stick as they continually “improved” their program.  Ok, I understand that if we don’t pass these standardized tests we are less likely to pass the NCLEX on the first try.  OK.  But…where’s the understanding, no – where’s the forward thinking and communication for us as students to get the proper education that we need to pass these tests?  It is unjust of the school to fail this many A/B students based off ONE exam score.  If we didn’t deserve to graduate, if we weren’t ready, we should have been held back way before now.

Not three weeks before graduation!!

I’m also suddenly immersed with thoughts of quitting nursing school.  This is not the first time, but this is the most intense.  I’m sure these feelings are related to how difficult and time intensive the program is…and of course…I’m not going to quit.  But, it’s hard to ignore these feelings.  Instead of motivating myself to buckle down and study, I’m filled with thoughts of “I want my life back”.  Those thoughts are hard push aside.  I don’t feel like myself.  I’m not happy.  I need a break.  But I’m not sure I’ll get one (or a long enough one) within the next few months.  I know my “life will be better” after I graduate, pass the NCLEX, and get a job…but all I can focus on is the here and now.  I’m sad, I’m lonely, I’m tired, I’m fragile.

I was told today that the really fragile people don’t usually feel fragile, the just collapse under the pressure.  The fact that I “feel” fragile and question myself – makes me strong.  I like that.  It doesn’t make me feel any less fragile, but it gives me hope that I won’t turn into dust and disappear.

I may crack, I may fall to pieces,
but eventually…
My fractured self will heal and I’ll be whole again.

Meanwhile, I’ll continue to express myself and hope that one day this chapter will be over.

Year 2/Day 117

Year 2 - Day 117

When can I have my life back…?…

I want to play with fabric, hang out with friends, go to shows…

I’m done with this whole nursing thing.

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