Year 2/Day 119

Year 2 - Day 119

I have so many emotions right now…and I don’t know what to do with them all.

First, I’m mad at myself for failing this course.  Sure, no “official” word is in…but I’m pretty sure that’s what’s going to happen.  I have been so unmotivated lately that IF I could have pulled off a miracle and ace this test Sunday…I probably won’t now.  I’m also really depressed about failing.  I failed.  My worst nightmare come true.  I’ve said in the past that I don’t attempt things because I don’t want to fail.  I avoid failing at any cost…well, not now.  I’ve gone ahead and done what I’ve always been afraid of doing.  Yay…

Then there’s the frustration I feel towards the nursing program itself.  I’m not as upset at the school as other people are, but I usually blame myself before I’ll blame others.  So that’s not a big surprise to me.  I don’t feel like we’ve gotten the best education.  Especially for how much we pay for our education.  It’s ridiculous.  Ok, I get that the school was in trouble with the program when we first started.  Ok, we got the short end of the stick as they continually “improved” their program.  Ok, I understand that if we don’t pass these standardized tests we are less likely to pass the NCLEX on the first try.  OK.  But…where’s the understanding, no – where’s the forward thinking and communication for us as students to get the proper education that we need to pass these tests?  It is unjust of the school to fail this many A/B students based off ONE exam score.  If we didn’t deserve to graduate, if we weren’t ready, we should have been held back way before now.

Not three weeks before graduation!!

I’m also suddenly immersed with thoughts of quitting nursing school.  This is not the first time, but this is the most intense.  I’m sure these feelings are related to how difficult and time intensive the program is…and of course…I’m not going to quit.  But, it’s hard to ignore these feelings.  Instead of motivating myself to buckle down and study, I’m filled with thoughts of “I want my life back”.  Those thoughts are hard push aside.  I don’t feel like myself.  I’m not happy.  I need a break.  But I’m not sure I’ll get one (or a long enough one) within the next few months.  I know my “life will be better” after I graduate, pass the NCLEX, and get a job…but all I can focus on is the here and now.  I’m sad, I’m lonely, I’m tired, I’m fragile.

I was told today that the really fragile people don’t usually feel fragile, the just collapse under the pressure.  The fact that I “feel” fragile and question myself – makes me strong.  I like that.  It doesn’t make me feel any less fragile, but it gives me hope that I won’t turn into dust and disappear.

I may crack, I may fall to pieces,
but eventually…
My fractured self will heal and I’ll be whole again.

Meanwhile, I’ll continue to express myself and hope that one day this chapter will be over.

5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Debby Dillon
    Dec 02, 2015 @ 07:27:26

    Brandi, you can’t give up this close to the end. I know (being a teacher), that when that many students fail an exam, either the exam was bad or the teacher did not teach the material correctly. There is nothing you can do about that at this point. What you need to do is find the few students that did pass, as ask them what they studied to pass. You might feel like giving up nursing, but there are these pesky things called bills that are always waiting to bite you in the butt. Do you know that Albert Einstein failed his entrance exam to the polytechnic college that he was applying? Sir Winston Churchill failed his exit exams not once, but twice. Benjamin Franklin couldn’t pass a math test, ever. You know I could go on and on. They all had one thing in common. They said F you to the authorities and did not give up. I know I am a newbie to the family, and really don’t have any right to make comments, but I know that you are half Holler and half Adams, and it doesn’t get much better than that. In the meantime, if you need a little break, come up to the mountains. The mountains are a healing place and you had a couple of people up here who love you.


  2. Will
    Dec 02, 2015 @ 07:53:50

    I love you.


  3. darwinontherocks
    Feb 03, 2016 @ 06:25:51

    Be strong, it’s almost over


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