Year 2/Days 100 – 112

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Hi.  It’s been awhile.

I debated about uploading a picture for each day and trying to “catch up” again…but this time it didn’t feel right.  Instead, I wanted to update in one post.  It’s simpler that way.  I need simple right now.  The past couple of weeks have been extremely stressful for me.  School is almost over and I’ve begun to stress out with all that I need to do before the semester ends.  So, to alleviate some of my stress, I decided to take time off from work and focus on studying.   OK, breathe.

The first hurdle was to get through 5 days of clinical/seminars in 1 week.  My last three clinical experiences were all in a row.  Saturday 12 hours, Sunday 12 hours, Monday 8 hours = 32 hours.  Luckily, these turned out to be great experiences and I was able to do a lot of hands on learning.  Which was nice because it made the time go by a lot faster.  I thanked my preceptor, spoke with my clinical instructor, and walked out of L&D thinking…this is it.  One step closer to graduation.  A couple of days later, I had a 2-day Critical Care Seminar which was very interesting.  The speaker was very animated and taught with excitement.  I really enjoyed that experience as well.  OK, breathe.

The next hurdle was to get through 3 days of exams.  With the first exam being what I affectionately call “The Big Monster”.  This was the dreaded HESI Exit Exam.  For those of you in nursing school, you know this is a beast.  It’s a live or die moment.  Not quite as severe as the NCLEX…but close.  That was to be followed by my Med-Surg final and an exam covering Trauma/Shock.

Well.  Shit.

Let me just go ahead and say it.  I failed.  Big time.  That “Monster” ate me up and spit me out like I was rotten milk.  My whole world was flipped upside down by one test score.  Needless to say, I drank heavily that night.  But not too heavily remember…because I have two more tests to take.  (Yay… …)  Fortunately the next two tests yielded much better results.  But back to my world spinning out of control.  The result of my failed exam is that I now have to essentially score “above average” on our last comprehensive exam in 12 days.  I have to manage to re-learn, comprehend, and remember all of the information we have learned over the past 3 years, and do so while answering NCLEX style questions.  And the real kicker is…I have to do all this…in order to get an “Incomplete” in the course instead of out right failing.  If I don’t pass this exam with the highest score possible, I fail the class.  I FAIL!  I’ve never failed a class.  Sure, I’ve dropped a couple of classes I “would have” failed when I was much younger…but actually failed?!!  NO.

OK, well you still have to breathe…

On a positive side, the results of my echocardiogram and Holter monitor are that I’m a healthy 32 year old woman with occasional early heartbeats.  Per the cardiologist, there doesn’t seem to be much to worry about at this time.  Follow up appointment has been scheduled for 1 year, and I’ll call if I have any new symptoms.  OK, breathe.

So now…I wait.  Study and wait.  If I get the score I need on the 6th, I’ll be able to retake the HESI in January.  And if I pass that exam the second time, I’ll be able to graduate.  If not, I have to retake the class.  This all really sucks…but I’m trying to stay positive and push through it.

will graduate with a BSN.  I will pass the NCLEX and become a RN.

Year 2/Day 90

Year 2 - Day 90

Ok.  Listen heart.  I understand you’re under a lot of stress right now, but I’m going to need you to start behaving.  I do not have the time nor money to have multiple doctor appointments and scheduled tests.  You want some attention?  Well, now you have it.  I’m listening…although isn’t eating better and exercising enough?  Now you want to be monitored for 24 hours and have an echocardiogram?  Are you really that starved for attention? :\

Ok.  I’ll listen.  Tests are scheduled, doctors met with.

Year 2/Day 87

Year 2 - Day 87

Just taking one day at a time…

I’m going to need a month off come the new year…

Year 2/Day 79

Year 2/Day 79

Tonight is a night to unload my brain.  I’m not seeking attention, I just need to figure things out and that’s what this blog is for me.  I know I have a lot of wonderful people who support and love me, and to those if you’re reading this…thank you, and I love you.

But, I’m sad.  I start crying when the smallest thing upsets me.

I’m stressed.  I start snapping when the littlest thing don’t go my way.

I’m tired.  I finally get a “good nights sleep” and wake up even more tired than before.

I’m overwhelmed.  I want to shut down and quit caring.

Yeah, yeah, I know…I’m working and in my last semester of nursing school.  It’s hard.  People tell me, “You’re almost there!”  Most days I can take that positively and think “You can do this Brandi, just push through.”  But some days, that’s the last thing I want to hear.  What if I can’t?  What if I don’t want to?

However, I can’t quit.  I know that.  I am so close to the end it would be stupid to quit now…and expensive.  But, I’m sad.  I’m stressed.  I’m tired.  I’m overwhelmed.

I’m depressed.  And then I get mad at myself for being depressed.  And then I cry.

I can’t concentrate when I finally do force myself to study and that frustrates me even more.  “Maybe I need a nap”…and then sleep alllllll night.  “I’ll do it tomorrow”…and then it’s the next day, then the next…

Basically, I’m a mess.  I want to pour freezing water over my head and wake myself out of this funk.  But I know it’s not that easy, and I know my life isn’t bad.  I understand that I have a lot to be grateful for and I am.  Nevertheless, the feelings still exist.  The doubts and frustrations and worries and expectations and pressures are intense and heavy.

I’ll get through it though, that I know.  I’m just walking down a very rocky, winding road without any shoes on and it hurts.  There’s a beautiful waterfall ahead…somewhere…that I’m sure of.

Year 2/Day 77

Year 2/Day 77

Blah.

Year 2/Day 71

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I’ve been so tired lately.  Worn out, exhausted, sleepy, “don’t wanna” tired.

I’m not sure why…stress? Lack of sleep? Some other issue?  I dunno…

Either way, I feel like I’m not getting done as much as I should and I’d rather just sleep or veg out.

Year 2/Day 67

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Well, I was supposed to have clinical today…but…I cancelled it.

I have been so worn out lately, it’s been hard to focus.  My preceptor wasn’t working this weekend anyway, so I used that as an excuse to not go. 

I’m not in any trouble, but now I have to make up those 12 hours somehow in my already busy schedule.  Oh well.

Year 2/Day 63

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So I’m trying this new thing where I go to the gym…so far it’s kinda working.  :)

Today was one of those days where I didn’t want to be there, but at least I was there!

Year 2/Day 20

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Sleep calls my name…

Year 2/Day 11

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My view from bed…where I plan on sleeping for…hours…

Worked almost 50 hours this week and I feel it.

Night.

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