Tonight is a night to unload my brain. I’m not seeking attention, I just need to figure things out and that’s what this blog is for me. I know I have a lot of wonderful people who support and love me, and to those if you’re reading this…thank you, and I love you.
But, I’m sad. I start crying when the smallest thing upsets me.
I’m stressed. I start snapping when the littlest thing don’t go my way.
I’m tired. I finally get a “good nights sleep” and wake up even more tired than before.
I’m overwhelmed. I want to shut down and quit caring.
Yeah, yeah, I know…I’m working and in my last semester of nursing school. It’s hard. People tell me, “You’re almost there!” Most days I can take that positively and think “You can do this Brandi, just push through.” But some days, that’s the last thing I want to hear. What if I can’t? What if I don’t want to?
However, I can’t quit. I know that. I am so close to the end it would be stupid to quit now…and expensive. But, I’m sad. I’m stressed. I’m tired. I’m overwhelmed.
I’m depressed. And then I get mad at myself for being depressed. And then I cry.
I can’t concentrate when I finally do force myself to study and that frustrates me even more. “Maybe I need a nap”…and then sleep alllllll night. “I’ll do it tomorrow”…and then it’s the next day, then the next…
Basically, I’m a mess. I want to pour freezing water over my head and wake myself out of this funk. But I know it’s not that easy, and I know my life isn’t bad. I understand that I have a lot to be grateful for and I am. Nevertheless, the feelings still exist. The doubts and frustrations and worries and expectations and pressures are intense and heavy.
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I’ll get through it though, that I know. I’m just walking down a very rocky, winding road without any shoes on and it hurts. There’s a beautiful waterfall ahead…somewhere…that I’m sure of.
Flowing Through Mountains 