Flowing Through Mountains

Tonight is a night to unload my brain.  I’m not seeking attention, I just need to figure things out and that’s what this blog is for me.  I know I have a lot of wonderful people who support and love me, and to those if you’re reading this…thank you, and I love you.

But, I’m sad.  I start crying when the smallest thing upsets me.

I’m stressed.  I start snapping when the littlest thing don’t go my way.

I’m tired.  I finally get a “good nights sleep” and wake up even more tired than before.

I’m overwhelmed.  I want to shut down and quit caring.

Yeah, yeah, I know…I’m working and in my last semester of nursing school.  It’s hard.  People tell me, “You’re almost there!”  Most days I can take that positively and think “You can do this Brandi, just push through.”  But some days, that’s the last thing I want to hear.  What if I can’t?  What if I don’t want to?

However, I can’t quit.  I know that.  I am so close to the end it would be stupid to quit now…and expensive.  But, I’m sad.  I’m stressed.  I’m tired.  I’m overwhelmed.

I’m depressed.  And then I get mad at myself for being depressed.  And then I cry.

I can’t concentrate when I finally do force myself to study and that frustrates me even more.  “Maybe I need a nap”…and then sleep alllllll night.  “I’ll do it tomorrow”…and then it’s the next day, then the next…

Basically, I’m a mess.  I want to pour freezing water over my head and wake myself out of this funk.  But I know it’s not that easy, and I know my life isn’t bad.  I understand that I have a lot to be grateful for and I am.  Nevertheless, the feelings still exist.  The doubts and frustrations and worries and expectations and pressures are intense and heavy.

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I’ll get through it though, that I know.  I’m just walking down a very rocky, winding road without any shoes on and it hurts.  There’s a beautiful waterfall ahead…somewhere…that I’m sure of.